"But What Did You Do with the Real Jesus?" -A Nightmare Interview

The trouble is with us human beings is basically we have to rely on words – verbiage, for our communication.  Computers have it all over us because they can exchange millions of message in the space of a second.  In “Beneath the Planet of the Apes” you have all of these masked beings beaming questions telepathically to their captives, and the captives are over-whelmed by the overload of information, much like a Web site that’s about to Crash.  Aware of this fact as I am, I have developed a quite conceise writing style.  Pastor Bob Hawland once said of my writings “Every sentence is like a paragraph”.  I’ve tried to get away from being so conceise that I’m downright mentally taxing to read.  It wouldn’t make my material prime reading for any speed reading class exercise, I’ll tell you.  Yet some people have cultivated the art of idle verbiage to a fine art and Governor Christie carried this to new heights last Thursday in his hour and 41 minute press conference where we learned nothing.  Christie didn’t introduce one new material fact we didn’t already know.  Many of the movies up for the Golden Globe awards are “fact based” this year, covering things that really happened.  One is ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’ about a money hustler in the nineties.   Nobody likes money hustlers like this, but we’ll still vote for them come election day.  That’s a strange paradox.  Then we have “Twelve Years a Slave”.  This is about a Northerner who came down South and was sold into slavery in 1853 and was a slave for twelve years, till Lincoln freed them.  It would seem that Blacks in the South who were roaming free must have been viewed as stray Dogs or something, and had to be rounded up and their owners located.  They weren’t seen as human beings.  Have you ever thought about the fact that countless times when you’ve had “Questions” about the Faith, you are told to be patient and ‘the answer will come in the bye and bye”, just as Martin Luther King spoke of this reality that “We Blacks can be patient no more”.  Ironically President Obama spoke of ‘The urgency of NOW” as a justification for his running for President when he did and not waiting for seasoned maturity.  Unfortunately I suspect many of the Blacks and dispossessed among us took his words to mean something entirely different.  We all had the “audacity” to think that Barock Obama was talking about all of OUR hopes and dreams and needs, that needn’t wait any longer but could and should be dealt with with no more delay.  Boy were we in for a big surprise!  In the gravity movie, everyone is commenting on how the lady’s hair wasn’t all flying out and fluttering like it would be either under water or in free space with no gravity.  Of course women today use a lot of hair spray, and even in space, every hair would be in place.

"You say you want a Revolution - - oh - you mean you're shafted and you're just going around in circles"

"I'd love to change the World - - But I Don"t Know What To Do - - but in the words of the enbittered Heiress- - "I was a Christian for at least twenty years and not even God could change the world, so he should at least let someone else Try"

"Kiss, Kiss, Kiss, Kiss, Six, Six, Six, Six, Six - - "

producer: "You with the chop stocks- what are you saying?"

"It's just a plug for my Prophecy Book, Man"

The latest FBI report (frenzied beauro of indecopherables) says "Rapture alert at 9:42 PM Pacific Daylight time "take two" gets under way on the dawn of 10 - 12 -14 in the Big Apple at the meridian nadir.

It looks like the San Diego Chargers are going to lose today’s football game with the Denver Broncos.  Personally I was never confident San Diego would get the better of them, and the fourteen to nothing score for Denver indicates my fears are correct, despite what the media was saying about how masterful San Diego was against Denver.   Now in the morning game on FOX the San Francisco ‘49ers “ajuticated” themselves quite well.  They beat the Carolina Panthers in Carolina 23 to 10.  The outcome of this game was seldom in doubt.  But when the score was already 23 to 10 there was a late hit on a Chargers player- - it was more like a fist fight, actually.  Seldom do you see things more blatant.  San Diego was awarded fifteen yards and a first down because of it.  Now we have the case of Alex Rodregus and the whole blood doping thing.  He was given a 161 game suspension, which is just about the entire year, and yet he is expected to show up as always for Spring Training.  It’s just the games that count he’s barred from.  They say it could be a carrier ending suspension since he’ll be almost forty when he’s ellagable to play again, and at his age if you let yourself get out of shape, you’re toast.  It’s kind of like an unemployed worker.  Once he spends a lot of time without pulling in a pay check his skills deteriorate and he becomes even less employable than he was before.  (Selah)

Before our Opus Magnum here's a little something I cobbled together for those of you who think neither "Milk and Honey" nor "Double Fantasy" has enough good stuff on it to merit buying either of these records as currently constituted.  I hope John Lennon is not offended by this compilation.

BETTER FANTASY

Fifteen Rearranged Songs

I'm Stepping Out

Kiss, Kiss, Kiss  (Yoco)

Nobody Told Me There's Be Days like This

Starting Over

I'm Losing You

I Don't Wanna Face It

Beautiful Boy

Living On Borrowed Time

Watching the Wheels Go Round

I Am Your Angel (Yoco)

Woman

Let Me Count the Ways (Yoco)

Dear Yoco

Walking On Thin Ice (Yoco)

Grow Old With Me (original recording)

The New Messiah sits in the chair calmly.  The cameraman says "Fifteen seconds and you're Live".  The Messiah says "I just want to say one thing before we go Live- - all you cameramen and sound men note.  When I raise my hand like this I want you all to cut off the cameras.  Failure to do this means you'll never get another job in this state again.   "and we on - - two - one"   Greetings people.  My name is Randell Flagg and I'm not just a Stephen King character any more but a real life person coming to a Presidential Election near you very soon.   I'm so popular I've got Democrats all over my state endorsing me.  Just like the Catholic Church was so widely accepted, they even had treaties with Nazi Germany.   It's true that I upstaged the Presidential candidate of our party at the last Convention but can I help it if my Charisma is so strong it just overflows all over the place uncontrolably.  Because he had it coming for not picking me as Vice President.  So naturally when Hurricane Sandy came along I had to keep him at a distance.  People don't pull that kind of shit on me and get away with it.  How dare he claim there are skeletons in my closet.  Why, Guy Woodhouse just inspected my closet the other day and all that's in there is a vacuum cleaner and several clean towels.  Are you calling Guy Woodhouse a liar?  I want everybody out there to know I feel your pain.  In fact I have spent more time telling people how compassionate I am than all other tea party candidates combined.  And I will tell you - - our unemployment situation in New Jersey is something that everyone knows is the President's fault.  And that's why you need to make me the next President, so the good people of New Jersey will no longer have such high unemployment."  Just then a woman interrupts.  "Sir you're not that compassionate.  How come your kids go to a private school and the rest of us have to suffer from public school funding cuts.  Randell Flag answers.  "Lady, I don't know who the Hell you think you are but twitts like you can't get away with asking me about my personal life.  I am truely hurt and offended that you would stoop to such a low tactict as to ask me about my kids.  I don't ask you about your kids.  Now get the hell out of here before I have one of my guards throw you out.  (The Crowd bursts into applause)   The Messiah looks up and raises his hand.  (The cameras go off)  Lady:  Just wait a minute you pompous Idiot.  I didn't ASK you about your kids.  I already KNOW your damn kids aren't in public school.  Who do you take me for???  I ASKED you why if you live such a sheltered life, why you can't have a little compassion on the rest of us.  In legal speak, it's a yes or no Question.  Now answer the question, Damn It.  The Messiah responds.  You know- - I'm gona fuck you up really good.  It's coming.  You better watch over your shoulder when you are walking home tonight because I'm gona get you.  Now if you'll shut your Pie Hole, I'll continue with my speech to those who truely appreciate the value of a high calabre candidate like me."

What if you met someone and found to your utter dismay that they were nothing like the rosey image you envisioned.  Suppose David Gregory had the honor of interviewing Jesus Christ.  The first question might go something like this.  Dave says, “I’m going to put it to you straight out - - you said that it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle.  This would seem to me to be a scathing indictment of the rich and a comfort to the many poor people in the land.  Is this what you intended”.   Jesus answers.  “In the first place people assume I wasn’t human and that I didn’t get pissed at all the needy people out there.  Some of them were money grubbing- - or just desperate and they at times wanted things from me they had no rightful reason to expect.  You know what I mean?”  David:  If you say so.  Jesus:  Of course the parable or image refers to a cammel’s thread and not a camel.  And so it referred to something that was easier than - - something else.   Gregory:  Well you said blessed are the poor for theirs in the kingdom of heaven.  You seemed clearly to be extending an olive branch to the poor while indicting the rich.  Jesus.  That’s the problem with You People.  You liberals are so Stupid that you have to take everything literally, when clearly certain things in the Bible were never meant to be taken literally but only with the unction of the interperation of the Holy Spirit.  David.  But you said ask, and seek and knock, and to every man who seeks he will find.   Jesus.  People use this to justify a man who prays to God for answers in his life and he thinks the next thing to pop into his mind IS the answer- - when he could be in hericy territory because he’s fundamentally ignorant of Church theology, which is always in a state of primacy.  David.  But isn’t it the rich who are in love with money?  Jesus.  I find that many of the rich have “transcended their need for money- - but that it’s the poor who always have this vain need to “Prove themselves” and “Prove their worth” with deeds, in hopes of earning money.  David.  Excuse me but I sense an appalling lack of compassion in these words.  I thought you said in the Sermon on the Mount that the Kingdom of Heaven belonged to the poor people.  Jesus.  No.  I didn’t mean literally poor people but people who were Poor in Spirit- - and again I remind you it’s the rich people who are noted for saying things like “I am humble” or “It is my humble honor” rather than the poor.  David.  I never thought of that.  Well let’s move on then to Violence that the Catholic Church has been involved in for centuries.  People fight and bleed and die all for some petty religious cause that your Church has waged, and I’m wondering if you had it to do over again, wouldn’t you take it all back somehow.  Jesus.  What would be the point?   David.  Sir, with all due respect - - .  Jesus cuts him off.  It’s in the past.  It’s done.  There’s no going back.  David.  But doesn’t this bother you in the least?   Jesus - - I feel sad.  I am humbled by the valiant way people fight and bleed and die for a cause.  David.  But not enough to do anything about it.  Jesus.  Why do you liberals live in the past.  You wallow in the past hundred years of American History and if the truth be known it’s the conservatives that want to get away from all that- - and move on into the twenty first century with a fresh approach.  David.  But aren’t you the God of the second chance?   Jesus responds.  Esau wanted a second chance for a blessing from his father and though he sought it with tears he did not get it.  King Saul pleaded for his Kingdom as he grabbed a hold of Samual’s coat and it ripped and Samuel said “So your kingdom is ripped from you this day”.  Stupid people like you pull try and pull the same bullshit on me all the time.  If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a hundred times.  There are no do-overs in life.  I don’t know who came up with this theological nonsense.  I think it was the Hindus in India or something who came up with this need for a second chance.  So they came up with the idea of Reincarnation.  David.  How do you feel about people who tried to liberate your own nation of Israel, such as that Bar Kopalah fellow in 135 AD?  Jesus.  This guy was just out for his own glory and took credit for everything that happened rather than give ME the honor.  Everything he did he profited from, and people praised him.  So I had to make sure his efforts came to nothing.  David.  I’m not sure I follow that.  David.  But don’t you have compassion for people who are oppressed living in nations occupied by a foreign power?  Jesus.  I am not a heartless distant so and so.  Any more than the Catholic Church is a bully church.  I bleed for all people who suffer everywhere and my heart goes out to them.  But I can’t go interfering in the natural course of world events.  David has a new topic to inquire about.  Some say that Christians don’t value science and in fact have held it back.  Jesus.  The minute it became clear something around the sixteenth century- - that science was valid- - I was all for it.  But keep in mind I can’t be held accountable for what my subordenates do.  Mankind’s nature is to sin.  And only a jackass would somehow demand that I should take blame for something that is none of my doing.  David Gregory.  Well all right then.  I believe our time is about up.  I guess -  you’ve been informative.