The Romney Interview That Will Never Happen

Here is a hypothetical press conference which will never take place at any time during this campaign.  The fact that it never will, puts the Lie to the assertion that the Romney and Ryan ticket believes in classic conservative principles.  I hear Romney and Ryan will appear together tonight on Sixty Minutes.  I can state to an almost metaphysical certainty that none of the questions covered in this mock interview will be asked..  Here we go.

Mr. Romney, there is a lot of concerned about certain agencies that over-regulate such as the FDA.  There are roomers that various health products will soon be barred from advertizing their nutritional benefits because the big vitamin industry wants to have exclusive control of the market.  There are other roomers that genetic food manipulation will only increase to a dangerous degree.  Will a Romney administration conduct a massive purging of the FDA?

Mr. Romney.  As you know many of the cherished conservative issues Bush campaigned on in 2000 never took place.  There were pledges of a balanced budget, and private social security accounts as an option, and also that the dreaded Roe verses Wade decision on abortion would be overturned.  When in the Romney administration can we expect to see real progress in any of these areas?

Mr. Romney. We know that good Christians believe in not hiding their religious faith under a bushel basket.  Why don’t you share more about YOUR faith and your own positive relation with the Later Day Saints, and the many good works you have done in this area?

Mr. Romney.  We know that your patriotism cannot be question and that every American should do his part.  Therefore when does the Romney administration plan on bringing back the military draft, and will an updated version of the draft now include women?

Mr. Romney.  Nobody questions Vice President designate's solidarity in seeing Medicare as we have known it for the better part of fifty years done away with.  I just want to know - - how this squares with some misguided apologists of yours who claim that the way to KEEP medicare untouched is to not adopt Obama care, which as you have heard will steel funds from medicare.

Uh, Sir, I'd like to know in your vast background with muscle cars, what your own fastest personal time is in the quarter mile.  Also is it true that "size isn't everything" and how does the Chevy 409 cylinder block compare with the larger Dodge 425 hemi?
Romney speaks:  Look, buddy I don't know about all that but someone should have informed you that  this isn't an interview of cars.

Mr. Romney.  Christians believe in pursuing peace.  We know the French used to be in Viet Nam?  So I'd like to know how all your time as a Mormon Missionary in France culturally enriched you, and to you feel you learned more of French culture than you taught about Mormonism or visa versa?

Uh sir, I'l like to know why you do that little laugh of yours when you're under personal stress, just like you did with the last questioner.  You know, some people may get the wrong impression from it.

Mr. Romney.  The period from 2002 to 2006 was one of the best periods of the US economy in the past dozen years.  Given this- - why was your jobs performance while Governor of Massachusetts so poor?  Do you believe that maybe this is just was just one task you weren't up to?

Sir, as you know many people are attempting to tie in the unfortunate warm weather throughout much of the country to Global Warming.  How do you personally plan to reassure the American People that global warming has absolutely nothing to do with man made causes.

Mr. Romney.  We have heard for years that their oil reserves on the North Shore of Alaska as large as those of Saudi Arabia.  If this good news is being covered up by the American Media, what are you going to do to publicize the reality that all that oil is up there, just waiting to be taken?

Sir, we know that Dr. Phil Mc Graw teaches that “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  In keeping with that spirit you have intoned in the primary campaign that you want to get tough with China.  How does this square with your actually faciliting the outsourcing of jobs to China during your time at Bain Capital?  And as a follow up question when do you plan to change our tax laws, so that moves off shore by corporations are not virtually subsidized by the US government?

Mr. Romney.  You have called yourself a “sever conservative”.  On the matter of immigration policy during the primary you said a lot of things including your opposition to the Dream act, which the President instituted a month ago.  Do you plan to make anti immigration a major emphasis during the fall campaign?  And by the way was this one motive behind your declining to pick Marco Rubio as your running mate- - because you were and are basically writing off the Latino vote?

Sir, we as Christians realize the importance of the sanctity of marriage between one man and one woman.  In that spirit, certainly this will be an important plank in your campaign platform.  Do we have your assurance that this issue will be moved to the forefront?

Mr. Romney, you say that when you assume office you will immediately get rid of Obama’s health care plan.  If this is so why to roomers persist that you secretly like Obama care and are not making it a big issue?  Also in that vein, why don’t you be more forthright in saying that mandentory insurance was a bit mistake and you wish you’d never done universal health care as governor of Massachusetts?

Mr. Future President.  I’d like to ask a related question.  We know that it will take a sixty vote majority in the US Senate to overturn Obama Health Care once you assume office?  Since this is unlikely to be achieved in one stroke, do you plan to push for an abolition of the Senate filibuster requirement - - to back before a hundred years when bills were passed by straight majority vote.  And what if the Democrats should ever - - - ?  Oh, do the Democrats control the Senate now?  OK, I’ll just shut up and sit down.  Never mind.

Sir, as you know President Obama gutted the space program.  Do you plan to bring NASA back under a Romney administration, and if you do, what will be the future objectives in the way of exploration of Mars or other planets?

Mr. Romney.  You have been called “an empty suit” and “without principles” by various people from our side such as Huckibee.  Do you regard this accusations as having any merit at all and if you do, what steps will you take to disabuse the American people of such notions?

Mr. Romney - - President Bush said that a major reason for going to war in the Middle East was to bring Democracy to Islamic countries.  Yet many people now such as Michelle Bachman say this is not such a good idea, for instance when Obama wants to do it.  Can you clarify your own stance on this issue?

Yes, I’m Jello Biafra of the Green Twilight Weekly.  I would like to know more about your stance on genetically modified and engineered vegetables, grains and insecticides.  I am having doubts as to whether you fully understand the ecological problem we are facing.  Please do comment on this.

Sir, I guess I’m having a problem reconciling some of your actions with the Lord’s teachings in the Bible on the proper way of conducting your economic business.  I can’t square your firing of so many innocent people and calling it collateral damage- - as somehow any other an embrace of the gospel of Gordon Gecko rather than Jesus Christ -  -

The candidate speaks:  Allright- - who let that guy in here.  Some escort him out now.

Mr. Romney.  You call yourself a tea party person.  And yet many early tea party people in congress came out against needless war adventurism that has proved expensive, and costly to both US resources and lives, that could be better be used elsewhere.  Yet you seem to have a virtual pledge now to start a whole new war with Iran.  Please comment on this.

I guess I’m next.  OK I’d like to know as a Christian how does the idea of total transparency and honesty square with your refusal to release any of the federal income taxes that the Democrats have been asking for.  It would seem that ANY year were deemed “presentable’ you’d at least release THAT year.  The fact that you have released NONE of them seems to add credence to fellow mormon Harry Reeds charge that you have something to hide, and as a follow up question does it strike you as Christian to label someone as a “dirty liar” in public, when the person speaking had no actual proof- - that Harry Reed WAS in fact - - Lying.

Response:  All right- I have sat here and listened to all your babbeling and distracting questions for long enough.  I came here to talk about the President’s failure to provide jobs for the many down and out Americans that I feel so sorry for.  If you’re going to abuse that privilege than I cannot go through with what obviously have become a farce of an interview.  Good-bye.